Sex, Money, and Sugar - Part 4

Part 4 - Trust, Allowance, and Intimacy

One of the most often mentioned conundrums in the sugar world is which comes first, the allowance or the intimacy??  While that's an easy question to ask, there is a wide variety of opinions and there is no one size fits all approach.  We all do what we’re comfortable with based on our experiences and risk tolerance. While one contemplates the issue of allowance and intimacy, the most important factor to consider is "trust".  It's important to remember that trust is earned and built over time, it shouldn't be assumed or given haphazardly.

Let's look at various approaches to allowance and intimacy from the SD's point of view and see the implications.

1.  "There is no way in the world I will give someone a half month up front or anywhere close to that early."

This is a more risk averse approach for the SD's.  But the trade off is that some pot SB’s may not be open to this approach by taking on more risk on their end.

2.  "I’ve always agreed with those who say half the allowance up front, before intimacy, is a reasonable compromise. That way if the thing quickly fizzles out due to poofing or otherwise, it is not a complete loss for either."

There is more risk taking on the part of the SD and he is willing to take on the potential loss. Poofing or non-performance by the SB (or SD) is always annoying, but perhaps it’s less annoying when only half of the allowance is at risk.

3.  I pay it forward, it really builds trust very quickly. Having the financial discussion is difficult for some people, by paying it forward it makes both of you feel comfortable and get the discussion out of the way quickly and simply. 

The SD is taking on most of the risk in this case by paying the allowance in advance and trusting the pot SB to do her part.  But how does one know for sure if the pot SB will actually do what she said she'll do, and what if she doesn't?

The allowance-intimacy issue comes down to whatever the two people involved can agree on, much like any arrangement.  The best result from any relationship is where both parties invest in the relationship, and to a certain extent, take chances. This way there is an element of commitment from both parties by investing their time, money, and effort.  The word “mutual” in mutually beneficial also applies to how both parties are willing to invest and take chances to build trust in the relationship.

We all want to be treated with the same respect and trust we’ve shown to others. However, in the sugar world, common sense and common courtesy may not be so common after all.  In the risk-reward equation, there are people on either side of the spectrum ranging from risk averse to taking unnecessary risks. I can’t imagine there could be much success on either side of the spectrum, so what usually works is somewhere in the middle in terms of taking risks in a prudent manner by both sides. And as I said in the beginning, there is no one size fits all approach and we all do what we’re comfortable with based on our experiences and risk tolerance.

Coming up - Part 5, First Meet and Beyond