Part 4 - Trust, Allowance, and Intimacy
One of the most often mentioned conundrums in the sugar world is which comes first, the allowance or the intimacy?? While that's an easy question to ask, there is a wide variety of opinions and there is no one size fits all approach. We all do what we’re comfortable with based on our experiences and risk tolerance. While one contemplates the issue of allowance and intimacy, the most important factor to consider is "trust". It's important to remember that trust is earned and built over time, it shouldn't be assumed or given haphazardly.
Let's look at various approaches to allowance and intimacy from the SD's point of view and see the implications.
1. "There is no way in the world I will give someone a half month up front or anywhere close to that early."
This is a more risk averse approach for the SD's. But the trade off is that some pot SB’s may not be open to this approach by taking on more risk on their end.
2. "I’ve always agreed with those who say half the allowance up front, before intimacy, is a reasonable compromise. That way if the thing quickly fizzles out due to poofing or otherwise, it is not a complete loss for either."
There is more risk taking on the part of the SD and he is willing to take on the potential loss. Poofing or non-performance by the SB (or SD) is always annoying, but perhaps it’s less annoying when only half of the allowance is at risk.
3. I pay it forward, it really builds trust very quickly. Having the financial discussion is difficult for some people, by paying it forward it makes both of you feel comfortable and get the discussion out of the way quickly and simply.
The SD is taking on most of the risk in this case by paying the allowance in advance and trusting the pot SB to do her part. But how does one know for sure if the pot SB will actually do what she said she'll do, and what if she doesn't?
The allowance-intimacy issue comes down to whatever the two people involved can agree on, much like any arrangement. The best result from any relationship is where both parties invest in the relationship, and to a certain extent, take chances. This way there is an element of commitment from both parties by investing their time, money, and effort. The word “mutual” in mutually beneficial also applies to how both parties are willing to invest and take chances to build trust in the relationship.
We all want to be treated with the same respect and trust we’ve shown to others. However, in the sugar world, common sense and common courtesy may not be so common after all. In the risk-reward equation, there are people on either side of the spectrum ranging from risk averse to taking unnecessary risks. I can’t imagine there could be much success on either side of the spectrum, so what usually works is somewhere in the middle in terms of taking risks in a prudent manner by both sides. And as I said in the beginning, there is no one size fits all approach and we all do what we’re comfortable with based on our experiences and risk tolerance.
Coming up - Part 5, First Meet and Beyond
Sugardaddy Chronicles
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Sex, Money, and Sugar - Part 3
Part 3 - Escorts vs SB's
This is another popular topic in the sugar world. When sex and money are involved some people take a black and white view, while others understand there can be many shades of grays.
What constitutes an escort
Many years ago when I dealt with escorts on a regular basis it was pretty clear to me what constitutes an escort. They advertise their services with clearly defined rates and there is no screening other than for safety. It was easy to arrange an appointment and there was no need to consider mutual attraction, compatibility and chemistry so just about anyone who can pay the advertised rate can do it. To really get what I want in terms of looks and services it took some work to research escort reviews to make sure my money was well spent.
In general there are three factors that characterize escorts.
- Volume. Escorts tend to have sex with a larger number of men.
- Availability. Escorts will usually have sex with just about anyone who can pay their asking rate.
- Service. Escort's service level (ie what she is willing to do) is usually well documented through reviews. I understand YMMV, but most of the time it's fairly consistent and replicable.
So, just because sex and money are involved in a particular situation, does that automatically make the woman an escort? Apply the criteria I described above and see where she fits.
Pro vs non Pro attitude
Instead of escort vs SB, I prefer to look at it as pro vs non pro. It's more about the attitude or mentality of the woman and less about what the arrangement is or what she does for a living.
A pro attitude means that she values money as the most important criteria. There are other factors she'll consider but it still comes down to money. For example, a typical stripper or VIP hostess type who is not an escort can still have a pro mentality. They think in terms of how much they can make a night working without having sex with anyone, then argue why should they take the same or less money to have sex with someone. With this type of attitude they will typically look for the highest bidder and there is usually a clear linkage between money and performance.
A non pro attitude means that while money is an important factor, it's not the most important one. She will take other factors into consideration such as chemistry, attraction, compatibility, etc. She usually thinks about money in terms of what she needs and not what the perceived "market rate" is. If the money offered suites her needs and she likes who she's spending time with, then that's good enough for her. They don't go to the highest bidder because they don't necessarily think of putting a price on what they do. There is less direct linkage between money and performance.
Also, their attitude may not be related to their experience level or what they do for a living. There are newbie SB's who will approach it with a pro attitude thinking if they're going to do it at all then they want to get the most money possible, while other newbies have no clue what they want and what they're willing to do. There are some escorts on SD sites who will approach it with a non pro attitude as well.
The Escort Fallacy
It's not unusual to see some SBs compare themselves to escort rates for their allowance expectations. Their thinking is if an escort can get $X / Hour or $Y / Day, then surely they're worth a lot more. While that thinking may appear to be reasonable and logical, from a SD’s perspective it’s really counter productive. Being a SD means that we’re not looking to pay by the hour or by the day for an one time trasnaction. That’s what escorts are for. We’re looking for someone we enjoy being with and care about to build an on-going relationship. And on top of that we're willing to provide the financial assistance she needs to make her life easier and reach her goals.
If a SB wants to be paid the equivalent of an hourly or daily rate, then that could really turn some SD's off so I’d suggest they don’t get into the “escort fallacy”. A better way is to think about what your needs and goals are and explain that clearly to the SD and let him know your expectations. If a SD’s offer does not meet your expectation, then simply thank him for his time, decline his offer and move on. There is no need to justify a SB's "worth" by comparing herself to escorts. I'm not saying SB's doesn't "deserve" more than escorts, I'm just saying there are better ways to convince a SD of your "worth" than comparing yourself to escorts.
Coming up, Part 4 - Trust, Allowance, and Intimacy
This is another popular topic in the sugar world. When sex and money are involved some people take a black and white view, while others understand there can be many shades of grays.
What constitutes an escort
Many years ago when I dealt with escorts on a regular basis it was pretty clear to me what constitutes an escort. They advertise their services with clearly defined rates and there is no screening other than for safety. It was easy to arrange an appointment and there was no need to consider mutual attraction, compatibility and chemistry so just about anyone who can pay the advertised rate can do it. To really get what I want in terms of looks and services it took some work to research escort reviews to make sure my money was well spent.
In general there are three factors that characterize escorts.
- Volume. Escorts tend to have sex with a larger number of men.
- Availability. Escorts will usually have sex with just about anyone who can pay their asking rate.
- Service. Escort's service level (ie what she is willing to do) is usually well documented through reviews. I understand YMMV, but most of the time it's fairly consistent and replicable.
So, just because sex and money are involved in a particular situation, does that automatically make the woman an escort? Apply the criteria I described above and see where she fits.
Pro vs non Pro attitude
Instead of escort vs SB, I prefer to look at it as pro vs non pro. It's more about the attitude or mentality of the woman and less about what the arrangement is or what she does for a living.
A pro attitude means that she values money as the most important criteria. There are other factors she'll consider but it still comes down to money. For example, a typical stripper or VIP hostess type who is not an escort can still have a pro mentality. They think in terms of how much they can make a night working without having sex with anyone, then argue why should they take the same or less money to have sex with someone. With this type of attitude they will typically look for the highest bidder and there is usually a clear linkage between money and performance.
A non pro attitude means that while money is an important factor, it's not the most important one. She will take other factors into consideration such as chemistry, attraction, compatibility, etc. She usually thinks about money in terms of what she needs and not what the perceived "market rate" is. If the money offered suites her needs and she likes who she's spending time with, then that's good enough for her. They don't go to the highest bidder because they don't necessarily think of putting a price on what they do. There is less direct linkage between money and performance.
Also, their attitude may not be related to their experience level or what they do for a living. There are newbie SB's who will approach it with a pro attitude thinking if they're going to do it at all then they want to get the most money possible, while other newbies have no clue what they want and what they're willing to do. There are some escorts on SD sites who will approach it with a non pro attitude as well.
The Escort Fallacy
It's not unusual to see some SBs compare themselves to escort rates for their allowance expectations. Their thinking is if an escort can get $X / Hour or $Y / Day, then surely they're worth a lot more. While that thinking may appear to be reasonable and logical, from a SD’s perspective it’s really counter productive. Being a SD means that we’re not looking to pay by the hour or by the day for an one time trasnaction. That’s what escorts are for. We’re looking for someone we enjoy being with and care about to build an on-going relationship. And on top of that we're willing to provide the financial assistance she needs to make her life easier and reach her goals.
If a SB wants to be paid the equivalent of an hourly or daily rate, then that could really turn some SD's off so I’d suggest they don’t get into the “escort fallacy”. A better way is to think about what your needs and goals are and explain that clearly to the SD and let him know your expectations. If a SD’s offer does not meet your expectation, then simply thank him for his time, decline his offer and move on. There is no need to justify a SB's "worth" by comparing herself to escorts. I'm not saying SB's doesn't "deserve" more than escorts, I'm just saying there are better ways to convince a SD of your "worth" than comparing yourself to escorts.
Coming up, Part 4 - Trust, Allowance, and Intimacy
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Sex, Money, and Sugar - Part 2
Part 2 - Allowance in Real Dollar Terms
Allowance is one of the most popular topics in the sugar world and there is no shortage of opinion about it. Instead of passing judgment on what's fair and reasonable for what's offered or expected, I'd like to examine what it means to have an allowance in real dollar terms. This will take into account real world factors such as taxes and discretionary income and compare that to established benchmarks.
For example, according to the US Census Bureau, annual median household income in the US is $49k, top 5% starts at $157k, and top 1.5% starts at $250k. Keep these numbers in mind as we look at allowance expectations in real dollars terms by taking into account taxes and SD's discretionary income.
On seekingarrangement.com a SB can indicate the amount of expected allowance in her profile. Let's look at what it means to have $1k, $3k, $5k, and $10k per month. And for illustration purpose let's assume a tax rate of 35% since SD's should be high income individuals.
$1k/month - $12k per year after tax or the equivalent of about $17k before tax.
$3k/month - $36k per year after tax or the equivalent of about $51k before tax. Note this is already higher than the median household income.
$5k/month - $60k per year after tax or the equivalent of about $86k before tax. Note this is more than one and a half times of the median, or more than half the amount of what the top 5% makes.
$10k/month - $120k per year after tax or the equivalent of about $171k before tax. Note this will put you in the top 5% of all US households.
Now that we have put those numbers in perspective, let's realistically think about what are the chances of finding SD's who can provide that kind of allowance as part of their discretionary income. For illustration purpose, let's assume a SD has 20% of his gross income available to spend on a SB. This means the SD should have an income of five times the amount he provides to the SB. Keep in mind this is his total spending on a SB, for which the allowance may only be a part of. This percentage may vary based on each SD's situation such as whether he's single or married.
$1k/month - The SD would need to have a gross income of $85k per year, this is already way above the median income.
$3k/month - The SD would need to have a gross income of $255k per year, this is already in the top 1.5%.
$5k/month - The SD would need to have a gross income of $430k per year.
$10k/month - The SD would need to have a gross income of $855k per year.
The analysis shown was for illustration purpose only. One can use different assumptions about tax rates and discretionary income to come up with different figures. But realistically, how many wealthy men can we expect from the top 1% to sign up on one of these web sites and are serious about being a SD and part with their money?? Think about what kind of work or business the SD should be in to make that kind of money, where they're located, their age and marital status, and what kind of SB they'd be looking for. Will the top 1% of SD's look for an "average" SB, or would they look for the top 1% in SB's as well? What kind of a "real" job would a SB have to get in order to make the equivalent of the allowance she is seeking?
I'm not passing judgment on what people are looking for or what they expect, and I know there are success stories across the spectrum. I'm just applying a straight forward analysis to help those in the sugar world to have a realistic view.
Coming up - Part 3, Escorts vs SB's
Allowance is one of the most popular topics in the sugar world and there is no shortage of opinion about it. Instead of passing judgment on what's fair and reasonable for what's offered or expected, I'd like to examine what it means to have an allowance in real dollar terms. This will take into account real world factors such as taxes and discretionary income and compare that to established benchmarks.
For example, according to the US Census Bureau, annual median household income in the US is $49k, top 5% starts at $157k, and top 1.5% starts at $250k. Keep these numbers in mind as we look at allowance expectations in real dollars terms by taking into account taxes and SD's discretionary income.
On seekingarrangement.com a SB can indicate the amount of expected allowance in her profile. Let's look at what it means to have $1k, $3k, $5k, and $10k per month. And for illustration purpose let's assume a tax rate of 35% since SD's should be high income individuals.
$1k/month - $12k per year after tax or the equivalent of about $17k before tax.
$3k/month - $36k per year after tax or the equivalent of about $51k before tax. Note this is already higher than the median household income.
$5k/month - $60k per year after tax or the equivalent of about $86k before tax. Note this is more than one and a half times of the median, or more than half the amount of what the top 5% makes.
$10k/month - $120k per year after tax or the equivalent of about $171k before tax. Note this will put you in the top 5% of all US households.
Now that we have put those numbers in perspective, let's realistically think about what are the chances of finding SD's who can provide that kind of allowance as part of their discretionary income. For illustration purpose, let's assume a SD has 20% of his gross income available to spend on a SB. This means the SD should have an income of five times the amount he provides to the SB. Keep in mind this is his total spending on a SB, for which the allowance may only be a part of. This percentage may vary based on each SD's situation such as whether he's single or married.
$1k/month - The SD would need to have a gross income of $85k per year, this is already way above the median income.
$3k/month - The SD would need to have a gross income of $255k per year, this is already in the top 1.5%.
$5k/month - The SD would need to have a gross income of $430k per year.
$10k/month - The SD would need to have a gross income of $855k per year.
The analysis shown was for illustration purpose only. One can use different assumptions about tax rates and discretionary income to come up with different figures. But realistically, how many wealthy men can we expect from the top 1% to sign up on one of these web sites and are serious about being a SD and part with their money?? Think about what kind of work or business the SD should be in to make that kind of money, where they're located, their age and marital status, and what kind of SB they'd be looking for. Will the top 1% of SD's look for an "average" SB, or would they look for the top 1% in SB's as well? What kind of a "real" job would a SB have to get in order to make the equivalent of the allowance she is seeking?
I'm not passing judgment on what people are looking for or what they expect, and I know there are success stories across the spectrum. I'm just applying a straight forward analysis to help those in the sugar world to have a realistic view.
Coming up - Part 3, Escorts vs SB's
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