Saturday, August 6, 2011

Review of Huffington Post Article on Seeking Arrangement and Student Loans

Recently Huffington Post had an article titled "Seeking Arrangement: College Students Using 'Sugar Daddies' To Pay Off Loan Debt."  Since I'm always interested in how the sugar world is portrayed by the media, here's my take on the article.

This article, like most media coverage about the sugar world, seems to revolve around 3 topics:

1. Is sugar relationship for companionship only or is sex involved?

I think it should surprise no one that most sugar relationships involve sex, just like most adult dating relationships.  However, there seem to be some SB's who want to perpetuate the impression that most SD's only want companionship, and it would be beneath them to have sex with older men for money.  While platonic sugar relationships certainly exist, it's clearly a small niche so let's not delude ourselves to think that most SD's don't want sex.

2. If sugar relationship involve money and sex, then isn't it prostitution?  

As I mentioned in one of my blog posts, the issues of SB's vs Escorts is a popular topic but it's been debated ad nauseum.  The bottom line is some people like myself clearly see the difference and there are those who don't, and that's ok.  According to Jennifer in the article: "My situation is different in a number of different ways. First of all, I don't engage with a high volume of people, instead choosing one or two men I actually like spending time with and have decided to develop a friendship with them. And while sex is involved, the focus is on providing friendship. It's not only about getting paid."

3. How much money is involved in a sugar arrangement and how long does it last?

Most SB's would tell you that they want a long term arrangement based on monthly allowance which is the type of ideal situation often discussed in the SA Blog.  While there is no doubt that some SB's have received a steady monthly allowance plus all the extras (gifts, travel, fine dining, etc), the article portrays a reality that p4p is prevalent and cited a study that showed arrangements last only three to four months on average.

Here are some more observations about the article:

- According to SA, the ratio of SB to SD is about 10 to 1, and 40% of SD's are married.  This is fairly consistent with my understanding. 

- 35% of SB's on SA are college students as identified by their .edu email addy. However, this measure does not include students from vocational schools and those who don't use .edu addy, so the actual percentage who are students is likely to be higher.

- SA gives free premium membership to SB's who use their .edu addy and certify them as "college sugar baby"! Is this one of the best kept secrets or am I slow to the party? :)

- The article opened with Taylor, a 22yo from Harlem who goes to meet her much older SD for the first time in Greenwich.  She meets him at his house with no prior agreement as to what would happen and end up having sex with him for $350.  She failed to do the 3 simple things a newbie SB should do as I mentioned in this post.  The article didn't mention whether she'll see him again.

- Jack, a 70yo SD in NYC who prefers SB's under 25, provides 500/night plus fine dining and shopping.  Apparently he has no shortage of SB's to choose from with what he offers.  And I thought SB's in NYC drive a hard bargain based on everything I've seen in SB's blogs! :)

- Suzanne, a 25yo in NYC sees her 39yo SD in NJ for dinner and sex at 400-500 per meet. They've had 3 dates and the article stated: "While the men typically pay per meeting, Suzanne is hoping to set up an ongoing hookup."

- Dayanara, a 23yo exotic mix, had a 5k/month arrangement with an investment bank exec in NYC.  The article didn't say how long it lasted.  Now she has 3 SD's and she said she could get 2500 for a night of dinner and sex.  She also works as a topless masseuse...  but why work at all (especially as a topless masseuse) if she has 3 SD's giving her good money? Something doesn't sound right.

Jennifer, 23yo from NYC, flew to visit a 30 something banker in FL for the first time.  She end up spending the night at a hotel with him and had sex for 1k. Apparently it worked out well for her, but the SB blogs are full of horror stories about SB's who traveled for their first meet.

I think stories like these are closer to reality than some of the more sensationalized portrayal full of stereotypes we've seen in the past.  I found two of the points made in the article very interesting, here's the first one: 

"Six of the eight women interviewed for this article mentioned the longer-term psychological toll of pretending to be someone else. Double lives and dual identities are common for both the women and men involved in sugar relationships."

Most people thought women in the sugar world could be psychologically damaged by having sex with older men they just met or haven't known for very long.  It's interesting to see that may not be as big of an issue as the stress caused by living a double life.  And here's the second:

Weitzer also sees a potential danger for young women getting sucked into making large sums of money and later finding it difficult to abandon such a lifestyle. "The more you make, the harder it becomes to transition away from,"..."For someone who's been doing it for a while, it can be difficult to stop doing it and suddenly transition into a normal job or date men without as many resources."

This is why I have often talked about the "end game" or "exit strategy" in the sugar world.  For SB's who have a generous arrangement and living way beyond their means, what happens when it ends??  All sugar relationships eventually come to an end except in rare cases it could turn into an IRL relationship, and it usually ends sooner than expected. 

After the article was published, KABC radio interviewed two SB's about the article and you can listen to the podcast here.  Both SB's insisted that their arrangement is for companionship only, and it includes thousands in allowance plus extras, and they will get out of the sugar world after their loans are paid off.  The talk show hosts were understandably skeptical since what the SB's described was in stark contrast to what was in the article. 

As I said, I thought the article realistically portrayed what's actually happening in the sugar world unlike some of the more sensationalized stereotype of the past.  This may burst some people's bubbles and some may find it depressing and discouraging, but it's better to know what's out there so you can be prepared to deal with it and find what you're looking for.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Questions From a Newbie SB

Hi, I found your blog through google and I have to say that I LOVE it...anyways, I have some questions that I'm hoping you can answer for me....I am completely new to the SB world and I'm going on my first date.  I am absolutely terrified.  How do I bring up the allowance/what we expect from each other in public?  After we finish lunch, am I expected to go back with him? Should I be prepared for judging people/the looks when I sit down to eat with a man who is clearly much older than I?  Is sex expected? What if the man is an undercover cop, can't I get in trouble? I'm also very concerned about my safety.  What should I do to keep myself as safe as possible before and after we meet? Please help! 

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Thanks for reading my blog!  These questions are very common among newbies, so just relax and be yourself.  Use common sense at all times and don't do anything you're not comfortable with.  Now let's take your questions one by one...

- After we finish lunch, am I expected to go back with him?

The key to a successful first meet is to communicate clearly about expectations of the meeting BEFORE you meet.  Typically the first meeting is at a public place for you to get to know each other and see if there is chemistry and common interests to meet again and take things further.  So the answer is no, you shouldn't be expected to go back with him after lunch.  But if that's what he expects then he should have clearly communicated that to you.  Then it's up to you to use common sense and decide whether it's something you're comfortable with.

- Should I be prepared for judging people/the looks when I sit down to eat with a man who is clearly much older than I?

Yes, if he looks much older than you then you should be prepared for unwanted attention when you're out in public with him.  Ask yourself how much this bothers you and whether it's something you can handle or not.  If you don't think you can handle it then be honest with him and let him know.  And in the future you should take this into consideration when you talk to pot SD's.

- Is sex expected? What if the man is an undercover cop, can't I get in trouble?

Sex should not be expected during the first meeting unless the two of you have already discussed and agreed to it.  You can get into trouble with law enforcement only if you explicitly agree to a sex for money transaction.

- How do I bring up the allowance/what we expect from each other in public? 


Most newbies get stressed out about this subject and agonize over it when there is really no reason to.  See my blog post about "Questions Newbie SB's Should Ask".  If he's an experienced SD then he should be expecting the discussion about allowance to come up at some point, if he doesn't bring it up first.  I'd suggest that you describe your allowance expectations in terms of a goal or target you're trying to achieve.  Such as, paying down credit card debt or student loan, or to help with living expenses.  Or, if an allowance is not the most important thing to you and you're more interested in living a better lifestyle (shopping, fine dining, travel, etc), then clearly communicate that to him as well.

- I'm also very concerned about my safety.  What should I do to keep myself as safe as possible before and after we meet?

Always meet at a public place for the first meeting, clearly communicate the expectations of the meeting, and let a friend know where you are at all times.  You'll be surprised at how many newbie SB's fail to take these 3 simple steps.


Enjoy your meeting and good luck!