Part 3 - Level of Commitment
Does NSA mean no commitment?? Well, that depends on what type and what level of commitment we're talking about. In any relationship the type of commitment can generally be categorized as Time, Emotional, Financial, and Legal. And the level of commitment in each category can define what type of relationship it is. For example, in a casual dating relationship there is usually not a lot of time and emotional commitment, and certainly no financial and legal commitment. On the other end of the spectrum, a marriage requires a high level of time, emotional, financial, and ultimately legal commitment.
So where does NSA sugar relationships fit in? Generally speaking, the level of time and emotional commitment is similar to casual dating, but there is a certain amount of financial commitment depending on the arrangement. It is somewhere between casual dating and committed relationship as the following table illustrates.
Casual NSA Sugar Committed
Dating Relationship Relationship Marriage
Time commitment Low Low-Medium Medium-High High
Emotional commitment Low Low Medium-High High
Financial commitment None Depend on the Low-Medium High
Arrangement
Legal commitment None None None YES
Sugardaddy Chronicles
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
What is NSA? - Part 2
Part 2 - The NSA Paradox
How many young attractive SB's have said that most SD's fall in love with her quickly and want to have a serious relationship instead?? As a result, it usually caused the sugar relationship/arrangement to end sooner than expected.
How do most men typically deal with very attractive women? They become possessive and want to keep her for himself because he’s afraid that she might find someone better. Being possessive leads to jealousy, insecurity, and being clingy and controlling, which is unattractive and will eventually drive her away.
NSA means not being possessive, it means letting go and not stay awake at night and wonder who she’s with and what she’s doing without you. By setting her free, it shows the confidence you have in yourself, and she may become more attracted to you as a result.
Thus the NSA paradox – setting someone free without strings may actually make the sugar relationship last longer.
Act like you’ve dated very attractive woman before. You appreciate her beauty and personality but you're not overwhelmed or intimidated by it. She is with you because she wants to be with you, not because you want to keep her to yourself and not only because of the arrangement.
Every time I hear a SB tells me that most men fall for her right away, I reply with: "don’t worry, PYT, as a married family man falling in love with you is a luxury I don’t have." The same goes for SB's who don't want to consider married SD's because they're afraid to be a home wrecker or break up a marriage. My response would be "what makes you think that will be the case?"
Young attractive women could date guys her age, and maybe even wealthy ones, and end up with what? A possessive, jealous, and controlling boyfriend? Wouldn't she be better off with someone more mature, more established, and someone who knows what NSA is and can set her free...
Coming up - Part 3, Level of Commitment
Thursday, February 3, 2011
What is NSA? - Part 1
No Strings Attached... or is it No Sex Allowed?? :)
This is one of my favorite topics in the sugar world and I’m sure everyone has an opinion about it. As I have said in the past, no strings doesn’t mean no feelings. When you spend enough time with someone then naturally some feelings are going to develop. The key is how you keep those feelings and emotions under control to make sure the relationship remains NSA. It takes experience and maturity to make it work and it’s not for everyone, and some are not able to handle NSA despite their best intentions.
Let’s compare NSA to regular dating and see what some of the differences are. For example, is there “love” and “commitment” that can lead to a future of happily ever after?? No, not in the traditional sense. By “commitment” I’m referring to the longevity and exclusivity of a relationship. Do you meet each other’s friends and families and talk to them about the relationship? For the most part, no. Do you go through the usual courting rituals before having sex? No, not necessarily.
NSA could mean different things to different people as there are many shades of grays, and some people may consider certain aspects of NSA more important than others. What NSA should be… when you’re together you enjoy each other’s company to the fullest, and when you’re apart you have your own busy lives. There are feelings when you’re together and you can certainly care for each other. But there shouldn’t be symptoms of emotional attachment when you're apart, such as being insecure, clingy, possessive, etc that can lead to all sorts of drama.
How easy it is to end a NSA relationship can depend on how long you’ve been together. Obviously it can be more difficult to end a relationship after a year or more compared to one that lasted only a few months. Some have mentioned the three month “curse”, and as I’ve said in the past, in general I don’t consider anything less than 3 months as an “arrangement”. It’s more like an experiment that didn’t work out. I’d consider six months and longer as “long term”. It also depends on whether it’s local or long distance. Long distance one’s usually don’t last as long due to the time, distance, and logistics involved.
My #1 rule for NSA arrangement is “don’t get emotionally attached”, and #2 rule is “keep the relationship simple”. If you find it difficult to end a relationship then chances are there may be some emotional attachment and the relationship is no longer simple. But NSA is still NSA, you can mutually agree to end it and you both move on. That’s how it’s supposed to work but I know it’s easier said than done. As I mentioned before, during my first 3 years in the sugar world I had plenty of drama filled relationships that ended in train wrecks and explosive break ups. But since then I’ve learned my lessons and had much more enjoyable sugar relationships that lasted longer and still kept them NSA.
When you apply NSA to regular dating then it’s basically casual dating, and I think we all know what that is as we’ve probably all done it before. What makes it different in the sugar world is of course the sugar, or the arrangement aspect. The arrangement in a sugar relationship helps to keep it NSA by establishing clear boundaries and expectations that you normally wouldn’t have in regular dating. That’s why sugar and NSA usually go hand in hand together. Without the sugar you’ll likely slip down that slippery slope into… gasp… the drama of regular dating!! :)
Coming up, Part 2 - The NSA Paradox
This is one of my favorite topics in the sugar world and I’m sure everyone has an opinion about it. As I have said in the past, no strings doesn’t mean no feelings. When you spend enough time with someone then naturally some feelings are going to develop. The key is how you keep those feelings and emotions under control to make sure the relationship remains NSA. It takes experience and maturity to make it work and it’s not for everyone, and some are not able to handle NSA despite their best intentions.
Let’s compare NSA to regular dating and see what some of the differences are. For example, is there “love” and “commitment” that can lead to a future of happily ever after?? No, not in the traditional sense. By “commitment” I’m referring to the longevity and exclusivity of a relationship. Do you meet each other’s friends and families and talk to them about the relationship? For the most part, no. Do you go through the usual courting rituals before having sex? No, not necessarily.
NSA could mean different things to different people as there are many shades of grays, and some people may consider certain aspects of NSA more important than others. What NSA should be… when you’re together you enjoy each other’s company to the fullest, and when you’re apart you have your own busy lives. There are feelings when you’re together and you can certainly care for each other. But there shouldn’t be symptoms of emotional attachment when you're apart, such as being insecure, clingy, possessive, etc that can lead to all sorts of drama.
How easy it is to end a NSA relationship can depend on how long you’ve been together. Obviously it can be more difficult to end a relationship after a year or more compared to one that lasted only a few months. Some have mentioned the three month “curse”, and as I’ve said in the past, in general I don’t consider anything less than 3 months as an “arrangement”. It’s more like an experiment that didn’t work out. I’d consider six months and longer as “long term”. It also depends on whether it’s local or long distance. Long distance one’s usually don’t last as long due to the time, distance, and logistics involved.
My #1 rule for NSA arrangement is “don’t get emotionally attached”, and #2 rule is “keep the relationship simple”. If you find it difficult to end a relationship then chances are there may be some emotional attachment and the relationship is no longer simple. But NSA is still NSA, you can mutually agree to end it and you both move on. That’s how it’s supposed to work but I know it’s easier said than done. As I mentioned before, during my first 3 years in the sugar world I had plenty of drama filled relationships that ended in train wrecks and explosive break ups. But since then I’ve learned my lessons and had much more enjoyable sugar relationships that lasted longer and still kept them NSA.
When you apply NSA to regular dating then it’s basically casual dating, and I think we all know what that is as we’ve probably all done it before. What makes it different in the sugar world is of course the sugar, or the arrangement aspect. The arrangement in a sugar relationship helps to keep it NSA by establishing clear boundaries and expectations that you normally wouldn’t have in regular dating. That’s why sugar and NSA usually go hand in hand together. Without the sugar you’ll likely slip down that slippery slope into… gasp… the drama of regular dating!! :)
Coming up, Part 2 - The NSA Paradox
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
"Name Your Destination" Contest - The Winning Entry
Here's the winning entry from LASB.
1. Your current situation, your experience with sugar relationships, and why you’re looking for a SD.
I have very little experience with sugar relationships. I have met some nice guys from SA, but the sugar stars have not aligned just yet. An SD relationship appeals to me because I like the idea of not having to go dutch on everything, I enjoy men who are chivalrous, and I want something that is not so serious, allowing me to still have my own life.
2. Why you have chosen the destination and what do you plan to do when you get there.
If I could go anywhere, I would go to Japan. My family was already living in the States by World War II. Upon receiving the notice to leave the West Coast for internment camp, they destroyed all records, artifacts, and heirlooms, fearing that they would be labeled as spies or traitors if they had anything that suggested they were not fully American. They stopped speaking Japanese and became as American as anyone could while still having "slant eyes" and black hair. When I was a child, my family members would tell me that camp was ok because they got to travel. They never expressed resentment, but also never told me any details. They also never spoke of Japan.
The family would say that it was their choice to lose its connections to their ancestry. They said that what happened in the past is not important. My parents and their siblings were brought up not to ask questions, and I am the only one in my generation who has shown curiosity. But by then, no one could or would provide any answers. Or at least that was what I believed up until a few years ago.
Having heard about my curiosity in family matters, Great Grandfather invited me to have dinner with him. We didn't live in the same city and I didn't know him very well, so this came as a surprise to me. I was elated and traveled to his city. When I arrived at the restaurant, there was a woman sitting next to him that wasn't my great grandmother. I stopped myself from blurting out the obvious question that was on my mind, and acted as expressionless as possible. Great Grandfather introduced this woman as his friend, but as the conversation progressed, their relationship became very obvious. She was about 20 years younger than him, making her around 70. And from what I gather, she had been his mistress over many decades.
I'm sure he invited her because she had an excellent memory and he knew that I was seeking more information that he would remember. As he was quite old at the time of this dinner, his memory wasn't great, but he seemed pleased that I was interested. Perhaps he trusted me not to judge him and not to reveal his secret to the family, or maybe he felt that passing along this information was worth the risk, but interestingly he never addressed the elephant in the room and they just proceeded to answer questions about my family's past.
She told me off a trip they took to Japan in which Great Grandfather showed her the house where his father lived. She told me stories of our family, revealing to me our Samurai heritage. This was a surprise to me, as I had always assumed we were peasant farmers, since that's what we were in California. Shockingly, the person who held the most information for me was a woman whose name I had never heard, someone who hadn't been to any family functions, basically a stranger to me. I'm sure her interest in my Great Grandfather, her lover, is why she knew so much about his history. They shared an intimacy that allowed her to probe deeper than blood relatives could.
My great grandfather passed away within a year of that dinner, but I believe I have enough information and the means to access our records, which is what I wish to do. Our town of origin has a microfiche catalog that I can access if I can prove my lineage. I need to present my birth certificate and those of my parents and grandparents. I will also try to bring documents from my aunts and uncles and any other relatives that may be curious or willing to help me. I hope to get names and dates of my relatives, to find out what they did, who they were, and where exactly they lived. I want to hunt down this supposed house as well. I understand that the task is ambitious, but Japanese people place value in family, and are very kind. I have a decent understanding of the culture and protocols, which is important when asking for help there. I will be relying both on the kindness of others as well as my own resourcefulness, two things in which I have great faith.
3. Why I should choose your entry.
I am not sure what you seek for the winning entry, but if you choose mine, it would likely be because it is well thought out and about something more than getting a tan, relaxing on the beach, or going on a shopping spree. I have nothing against those things and actually enjoy spending my time that way, but in my opinion, the type of journey I wish to take is quite unique. Additionally, my story behind my intended trip fits the theme of the SA blog, since this information came from an actual SB.
1. Your current situation, your experience with sugar relationships, and why you’re looking for a SD.
I have very little experience with sugar relationships. I have met some nice guys from SA, but the sugar stars have not aligned just yet. An SD relationship appeals to me because I like the idea of not having to go dutch on everything, I enjoy men who are chivalrous, and I want something that is not so serious, allowing me to still have my own life.
2. Why you have chosen the destination and what do you plan to do when you get there.
If I could go anywhere, I would go to Japan. My family was already living in the States by World War II. Upon receiving the notice to leave the West Coast for internment camp, they destroyed all records, artifacts, and heirlooms, fearing that they would be labeled as spies or traitors if they had anything that suggested they were not fully American. They stopped speaking Japanese and became as American as anyone could while still having "slant eyes" and black hair. When I was a child, my family members would tell me that camp was ok because they got to travel. They never expressed resentment, but also never told me any details. They also never spoke of Japan.
The family would say that it was their choice to lose its connections to their ancestry. They said that what happened in the past is not important. My parents and their siblings were brought up not to ask questions, and I am the only one in my generation who has shown curiosity. But by then, no one could or would provide any answers. Or at least that was what I believed up until a few years ago.
Having heard about my curiosity in family matters, Great Grandfather invited me to have dinner with him. We didn't live in the same city and I didn't know him very well, so this came as a surprise to me. I was elated and traveled to his city. When I arrived at the restaurant, there was a woman sitting next to him that wasn't my great grandmother. I stopped myself from blurting out the obvious question that was on my mind, and acted as expressionless as possible. Great Grandfather introduced this woman as his friend, but as the conversation progressed, their relationship became very obvious. She was about 20 years younger than him, making her around 70. And from what I gather, she had been his mistress over many decades.
I'm sure he invited her because she had an excellent memory and he knew that I was seeking more information that he would remember. As he was quite old at the time of this dinner, his memory wasn't great, but he seemed pleased that I was interested. Perhaps he trusted me not to judge him and not to reveal his secret to the family, or maybe he felt that passing along this information was worth the risk, but interestingly he never addressed the elephant in the room and they just proceeded to answer questions about my family's past.
She told me off a trip they took to Japan in which Great Grandfather showed her the house where his father lived. She told me stories of our family, revealing to me our Samurai heritage. This was a surprise to me, as I had always assumed we were peasant farmers, since that's what we were in California. Shockingly, the person who held the most information for me was a woman whose name I had never heard, someone who hadn't been to any family functions, basically a stranger to me. I'm sure her interest in my Great Grandfather, her lover, is why she knew so much about his history. They shared an intimacy that allowed her to probe deeper than blood relatives could.
My great grandfather passed away within a year of that dinner, but I believe I have enough information and the means to access our records, which is what I wish to do. Our town of origin has a microfiche catalog that I can access if I can prove my lineage. I need to present my birth certificate and those of my parents and grandparents. I will also try to bring documents from my aunts and uncles and any other relatives that may be curious or willing to help me. I hope to get names and dates of my relatives, to find out what they did, who they were, and where exactly they lived. I want to hunt down this supposed house as well. I understand that the task is ambitious, but Japanese people place value in family, and are very kind. I have a decent understanding of the culture and protocols, which is important when asking for help there. I will be relying both on the kindness of others as well as my own resourcefulness, two things in which I have great faith.
3. Why I should choose your entry.
I am not sure what you seek for the winning entry, but if you choose mine, it would likely be because it is well thought out and about something more than getting a tan, relaxing on the beach, or going on a shopping spree. I have nothing against those things and actually enjoy spending my time that way, but in my opinion, the type of journey I wish to take is quite unique. Additionally, my story behind my intended trip fits the theme of the SA blog, since this information came from an actual SB.
Monday, January 10, 2011
"Name Your Destination" Contest
In mid December I started a contest called "Name Your Destination" in the Seekingarrangement Blog. The contest rules were as follows:
---------------------------
When Yaz said “I wish someone would buy me a ticket to (name of destination) just because”… It got me thinking… why not?
So let’s call it the “Name Your Destination” contest, and here are the rules.
1. Female SB’s who are not currently in a sugar relationship are eligible to enter. (don’t want to step on any SD’s toes)
2. Destination should be served by a major airline. (Timbuktu Air doesn’t count)
3. Have a flexible travel schedule. (if you can only travel during major holidays then you might be out of luck)
The grand prize is one round trip airline ticket to the destination of the winner’s choice with the travel schedule to be mutually agreed, plus 500 cash. The second prize is 500 cash. The third prize is a monogrammed snuggie. Thanks to Arctic SD for providing the cash portion of the prizes.
How to enter:
Email me at the addy in my blog. Include a photo of yourself and describe the following:
1. Your current situation, your experience with sugar relationships, and why you’re looking for a SD.
2. Why you have chosen the destination and what do you plan to do when you get there.
3. Why I should choose your entry.
What’s required if you win the grand prize:
- I will post your entry in the blog (edited to remove any personal info)
- Write about your experience of the trip in the blog.
- As a bonus, there is a possibility to meet me for lunch at a place and date to be determined.
All entries must be submitted by December 31st, 2010 and winners will be selected by January 7th, 2011. After I receive your entry I may contact you by email for clarification or request more information. Entries will be evaluated based on how compelling your story is, how original and creative your idea is, and how well you articulate yourself. It is not based on need or how sad your story is. The purpose of the photo is for me to put a face to the story, so the photo is not part of the evaluation.
I hope there will be a good number of entries because it wouldn’t be much of a contest if only a handful of SB’s entered. Therefore I reserve the right to not select a winner if there are less than 10 entries. And no, this contest is not a joke. Email me or post here if you have any questions or comments. Good luck everyone!
----------------------------------
Then I announced the winners as planned on January 7th, 2011:
Here are the results of “Name Your Destination” Contest…
I have reviewed all 13 entries in detail, sent follow up questions to the contestants and received some responses. Some entries are creative and compelling while others are entertaining and humorous. And some even admitted that they entered primarily to help other sugar sisters win. The destinations include Japan, UK, South Africa, New Zealand, NYC, LA, Vegas, Chicago, Hawaii, Florida, and DC.
There were several well written and compelling entries and it was very difficult to narrow down to 3 finalists. After much deliberation I’m happy to announce the following winners:
Grand Prize – LASB. She will receive one round trip airline ticket to Japan and $500.
Second Prize – Arcadia. She will receive $500.
Third Prize – Beach Girl. She will receive $200 in lieu of a monogrammed snuggie.
I’d like to thank all contestants for making an effort to submit their entry. I wish I could send everyone to their destination of choice but even a Guru has his limits. I’d also like to thank Arctic SD for providing the cash prizes and Yaz for inspiring the contest.
LASB is in the process of editing her entry to remove personal info so that it can be posted in the blog. As soon as she’s ready I’ll post it here.
--------------------------
Coming up, LASB's winning entry.
---------------------------
When Yaz said “I wish someone would buy me a ticket to (name of destination) just because”… It got me thinking… why not?
So let’s call it the “Name Your Destination” contest, and here are the rules.
1. Female SB’s who are not currently in a sugar relationship are eligible to enter. (don’t want to step on any SD’s toes)
2. Destination should be served by a major airline. (Timbuktu Air doesn’t count)
3. Have a flexible travel schedule. (if you can only travel during major holidays then you might be out of luck)
The grand prize is one round trip airline ticket to the destination of the winner’s choice with the travel schedule to be mutually agreed, plus 500 cash. The second prize is 500 cash. The third prize is a monogrammed snuggie. Thanks to Arctic SD for providing the cash portion of the prizes.
How to enter:
Email me at the addy in my blog. Include a photo of yourself and describe the following:
1. Your current situation, your experience with sugar relationships, and why you’re looking for a SD.
2. Why you have chosen the destination and what do you plan to do when you get there.
3. Why I should choose your entry.
What’s required if you win the grand prize:
- I will post your entry in the blog (edited to remove any personal info)
- Write about your experience of the trip in the blog.
- As a bonus, there is a possibility to meet me for lunch at a place and date to be determined.
All entries must be submitted by December 31st, 2010 and winners will be selected by January 7th, 2011. After I receive your entry I may contact you by email for clarification or request more information. Entries will be evaluated based on how compelling your story is, how original and creative your idea is, and how well you articulate yourself. It is not based on need or how sad your story is. The purpose of the photo is for me to put a face to the story, so the photo is not part of the evaluation.
I hope there will be a good number of entries because it wouldn’t be much of a contest if only a handful of SB’s entered. Therefore I reserve the right to not select a winner if there are less than 10 entries. And no, this contest is not a joke. Email me or post here if you have any questions or comments. Good luck everyone!
----------------------------------
Then I announced the winners as planned on January 7th, 2011:
Here are the results of “Name Your Destination” Contest…
I have reviewed all 13 entries in detail, sent follow up questions to the contestants and received some responses. Some entries are creative and compelling while others are entertaining and humorous. And some even admitted that they entered primarily to help other sugar sisters win. The destinations include Japan, UK, South Africa, New Zealand, NYC, LA, Vegas, Chicago, Hawaii, Florida, and DC.
There were several well written and compelling entries and it was very difficult to narrow down to 3 finalists. After much deliberation I’m happy to announce the following winners:
Grand Prize – LASB. She will receive one round trip airline ticket to Japan and $500.
Second Prize – Arcadia. She will receive $500.
Third Prize – Beach Girl. She will receive $200 in lieu of a monogrammed snuggie.
I’d like to thank all contestants for making an effort to submit their entry. I wish I could send everyone to their destination of choice but even a Guru has his limits. I’d also like to thank Arctic SD for providing the cash prizes and Yaz for inspiring the contest.
LASB is in the process of editing her entry to remove personal info so that it can be posted in the blog. As soon as she’s ready I’ll post it here.
--------------------------
Coming up, LASB's winning entry.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Sex, Money, and Sugar - Part 4
Part 4 - Trust, Allowance, and Intimacy
One of the most often mentioned conundrums in the sugar world is which comes first, the allowance or the intimacy?? While that's an easy question to ask, there is a wide variety of opinions and there is no one size fits all approach. We all do what we’re comfortable with based on our experiences and risk tolerance. While one contemplates the issue of allowance and intimacy, the most important factor to consider is "trust". It's important to remember that trust is earned and built over time, it shouldn't be assumed or given haphazardly.
Let's look at various approaches to allowance and intimacy from the SD's point of view and see the implications.
1. "There is no way in the world I will give someone a half month up front or anywhere close to that early."
This is a more risk averse approach for the SD's. But the trade off is that some pot SB’s may not be open to this approach by taking on more risk on their end.
2. "I’ve always agreed with those who say half the allowance up front, before intimacy, is a reasonable compromise. That way if the thing quickly fizzles out due to poofing or otherwise, it is not a complete loss for either."
There is more risk taking on the part of the SD and he is willing to take on the potential loss. Poofing or non-performance by the SB (or SD) is always annoying, but perhaps it’s less annoying when only half of the allowance is at risk.
3. I pay it forward, it really builds trust very quickly. Having the financial discussion is difficult for some people, by paying it forward it makes both of you feel comfortable and get the discussion out of the way quickly and simply.
The SD is taking on most of the risk in this case by paying the allowance in advance and trusting the pot SB to do her part. But how does one know for sure if the pot SB will actually do what she said she'll do, and what if she doesn't?
The allowance-intimacy issue comes down to whatever the two people involved can agree on, much like any arrangement. The best result from any relationship is where both parties invest in the relationship, and to a certain extent, take chances. This way there is an element of commitment from both parties by investing their time, money, and effort. The word “mutual” in mutually beneficial also applies to how both parties are willing to invest and take chances to build trust in the relationship.
We all want to be treated with the same respect and trust we’ve shown to others. However, in the sugar world, common sense and common courtesy may not be so common after all. In the risk-reward equation, there are people on either side of the spectrum ranging from risk averse to taking unnecessary risks. I can’t imagine there could be much success on either side of the spectrum, so what usually works is somewhere in the middle in terms of taking risks in a prudent manner by both sides. And as I said in the beginning, there is no one size fits all approach and we all do what we’re comfortable with based on our experiences and risk tolerance.
Coming up - Part 5, First Meet and Beyond
One of the most often mentioned conundrums in the sugar world is which comes first, the allowance or the intimacy?? While that's an easy question to ask, there is a wide variety of opinions and there is no one size fits all approach. We all do what we’re comfortable with based on our experiences and risk tolerance. While one contemplates the issue of allowance and intimacy, the most important factor to consider is "trust". It's important to remember that trust is earned and built over time, it shouldn't be assumed or given haphazardly.
Let's look at various approaches to allowance and intimacy from the SD's point of view and see the implications.
1. "There is no way in the world I will give someone a half month up front or anywhere close to that early."
This is a more risk averse approach for the SD's. But the trade off is that some pot SB’s may not be open to this approach by taking on more risk on their end.
2. "I’ve always agreed with those who say half the allowance up front, before intimacy, is a reasonable compromise. That way if the thing quickly fizzles out due to poofing or otherwise, it is not a complete loss for either."
There is more risk taking on the part of the SD and he is willing to take on the potential loss. Poofing or non-performance by the SB (or SD) is always annoying, but perhaps it’s less annoying when only half of the allowance is at risk.
3. I pay it forward, it really builds trust very quickly. Having the financial discussion is difficult for some people, by paying it forward it makes both of you feel comfortable and get the discussion out of the way quickly and simply.
The SD is taking on most of the risk in this case by paying the allowance in advance and trusting the pot SB to do her part. But how does one know for sure if the pot SB will actually do what she said she'll do, and what if she doesn't?
The allowance-intimacy issue comes down to whatever the two people involved can agree on, much like any arrangement. The best result from any relationship is where both parties invest in the relationship, and to a certain extent, take chances. This way there is an element of commitment from both parties by investing their time, money, and effort. The word “mutual” in mutually beneficial also applies to how both parties are willing to invest and take chances to build trust in the relationship.
We all want to be treated with the same respect and trust we’ve shown to others. However, in the sugar world, common sense and common courtesy may not be so common after all. In the risk-reward equation, there are people on either side of the spectrum ranging from risk averse to taking unnecessary risks. I can’t imagine there could be much success on either side of the spectrum, so what usually works is somewhere in the middle in terms of taking risks in a prudent manner by both sides. And as I said in the beginning, there is no one size fits all approach and we all do what we’re comfortable with based on our experiences and risk tolerance.
Coming up - Part 5, First Meet and Beyond
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Sex, Money, and Sugar - Part 3
Part 3 - Escorts vs SB's
This is another popular topic in the sugar world. When sex and money are involved some people take a black and white view, while others understand there can be many shades of grays.
What constitutes an escort
Many years ago when I dealt with escorts on a regular basis it was pretty clear to me what constitutes an escort. They advertise their services with clearly defined rates and there is no screening other than for safety. It was easy to arrange an appointment and there was no need to consider mutual attraction, compatibility and chemistry so just about anyone who can pay the advertised rate can do it. To really get what I want in terms of looks and services it took some work to research escort reviews to make sure my money was well spent.
In general there are three factors that characterize escorts.
- Volume. Escorts tend to have sex with a larger number of men.
- Availability. Escorts will usually have sex with just about anyone who can pay their asking rate.
- Service. Escort's service level (ie what she is willing to do) is usually well documented through reviews. I understand YMMV, but most of the time it's fairly consistent and replicable.
So, just because sex and money are involved in a particular situation, does that automatically make the woman an escort? Apply the criteria I described above and see where she fits.
Pro vs non Pro attitude
Instead of escort vs SB, I prefer to look at it as pro vs non pro. It's more about the attitude or mentality of the woman and less about what the arrangement is or what she does for a living.
A pro attitude means that she values money as the most important criteria. There are other factors she'll consider but it still comes down to money. For example, a typical stripper or VIP hostess type who is not an escort can still have a pro mentality. They think in terms of how much they can make a night working without having sex with anyone, then argue why should they take the same or less money to have sex with someone. With this type of attitude they will typically look for the highest bidder and there is usually a clear linkage between money and performance.
A non pro attitude means that while money is an important factor, it's not the most important one. She will take other factors into consideration such as chemistry, attraction, compatibility, etc. She usually thinks about money in terms of what she needs and not what the perceived "market rate" is. If the money offered suites her needs and she likes who she's spending time with, then that's good enough for her. They don't go to the highest bidder because they don't necessarily think of putting a price on what they do. There is less direct linkage between money and performance.
Also, their attitude may not be related to their experience level or what they do for a living. There are newbie SB's who will approach it with a pro attitude thinking if they're going to do it at all then they want to get the most money possible, while other newbies have no clue what they want and what they're willing to do. There are some escorts on SD sites who will approach it with a non pro attitude as well.
The Escort Fallacy
It's not unusual to see some SBs compare themselves to escort rates for their allowance expectations. Their thinking is if an escort can get $X / Hour or $Y / Day, then surely they're worth a lot more. While that thinking may appear to be reasonable and logical, from a SD’s perspective it’s really counter productive. Being a SD means that we’re not looking to pay by the hour or by the day for an one time trasnaction. That’s what escorts are for. We’re looking for someone we enjoy being with and care about to build an on-going relationship. And on top of that we're willing to provide the financial assistance she needs to make her life easier and reach her goals.
If a SB wants to be paid the equivalent of an hourly or daily rate, then that could really turn some SD's off so I’d suggest they don’t get into the “escort fallacy”. A better way is to think about what your needs and goals are and explain that clearly to the SD and let him know your expectations. If a SD’s offer does not meet your expectation, then simply thank him for his time, decline his offer and move on. There is no need to justify a SB's "worth" by comparing herself to escorts. I'm not saying SB's doesn't "deserve" more than escorts, I'm just saying there are better ways to convince a SD of your "worth" than comparing yourself to escorts.
Coming up, Part 4 - Trust, Allowance, and Intimacy
This is another popular topic in the sugar world. When sex and money are involved some people take a black and white view, while others understand there can be many shades of grays.
What constitutes an escort
Many years ago when I dealt with escorts on a regular basis it was pretty clear to me what constitutes an escort. They advertise their services with clearly defined rates and there is no screening other than for safety. It was easy to arrange an appointment and there was no need to consider mutual attraction, compatibility and chemistry so just about anyone who can pay the advertised rate can do it. To really get what I want in terms of looks and services it took some work to research escort reviews to make sure my money was well spent.
In general there are three factors that characterize escorts.
- Volume. Escorts tend to have sex with a larger number of men.
- Availability. Escorts will usually have sex with just about anyone who can pay their asking rate.
- Service. Escort's service level (ie what she is willing to do) is usually well documented through reviews. I understand YMMV, but most of the time it's fairly consistent and replicable.
So, just because sex and money are involved in a particular situation, does that automatically make the woman an escort? Apply the criteria I described above and see where she fits.
Pro vs non Pro attitude
Instead of escort vs SB, I prefer to look at it as pro vs non pro. It's more about the attitude or mentality of the woman and less about what the arrangement is or what she does for a living.
A pro attitude means that she values money as the most important criteria. There are other factors she'll consider but it still comes down to money. For example, a typical stripper or VIP hostess type who is not an escort can still have a pro mentality. They think in terms of how much they can make a night working without having sex with anyone, then argue why should they take the same or less money to have sex with someone. With this type of attitude they will typically look for the highest bidder and there is usually a clear linkage between money and performance.
A non pro attitude means that while money is an important factor, it's not the most important one. She will take other factors into consideration such as chemistry, attraction, compatibility, etc. She usually thinks about money in terms of what she needs and not what the perceived "market rate" is. If the money offered suites her needs and she likes who she's spending time with, then that's good enough for her. They don't go to the highest bidder because they don't necessarily think of putting a price on what they do. There is less direct linkage between money and performance.
Also, their attitude may not be related to their experience level or what they do for a living. There are newbie SB's who will approach it with a pro attitude thinking if they're going to do it at all then they want to get the most money possible, while other newbies have no clue what they want and what they're willing to do. There are some escorts on SD sites who will approach it with a non pro attitude as well.
The Escort Fallacy
It's not unusual to see some SBs compare themselves to escort rates for their allowance expectations. Their thinking is if an escort can get $X / Hour or $Y / Day, then surely they're worth a lot more. While that thinking may appear to be reasonable and logical, from a SD’s perspective it’s really counter productive. Being a SD means that we’re not looking to pay by the hour or by the day for an one time trasnaction. That’s what escorts are for. We’re looking for someone we enjoy being with and care about to build an on-going relationship. And on top of that we're willing to provide the financial assistance she needs to make her life easier and reach her goals.
If a SB wants to be paid the equivalent of an hourly or daily rate, then that could really turn some SD's off so I’d suggest they don’t get into the “escort fallacy”. A better way is to think about what your needs and goals are and explain that clearly to the SD and let him know your expectations. If a SD’s offer does not meet your expectation, then simply thank him for his time, decline his offer and move on. There is no need to justify a SB's "worth" by comparing herself to escorts. I'm not saying SB's doesn't "deserve" more than escorts, I'm just saying there are better ways to convince a SD of your "worth" than comparing yourself to escorts.
Coming up, Part 4 - Trust, Allowance, and Intimacy
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